RND. Nothing to say.

"Either you run the day or the day runs you." - Jim Rohn

I don't feel Like myself today. I just feel kind of... Out of it...
I am in a lot of pain as usual, but it's more than that.
I feel like this might be due to the medicine I have started taking to help manage my A.D.D and A.D.H.D. It just feels like my normally outgoing personality has just left the building for the day. I didn't even speak to my friends at school today. I had nothing to say.
I was doing ok until I woke up this morning. This week has been great for me. Sunday was really good. Monday was great, I got to spend time with my best friend and I treated myself to a pair of extremely overpriced shoes because I was able to put my right heel on the ground for the first time in a while Monday which is something I have been working really hard on. Tuesday I got my phone fixed after 3 weeks of not being able to use it. And then Wednesday came along and ruined my vibe!
What the heck Wednesday?!
The fact that I am stressing about school probably isn't helping matters either. My grades are terrible and the marking period ends next week so there is NOTHING I can do about it. Due to my extended absence this marking period and last marking period my teachers have less grades for me. This means that every assignment I do (or don't do if I forget) majorly effects my grade. My grades Were bad before I went into the RND program at CHOP too though.
This is mostly due to the fact that I was absent even when I was there.
Thinking about it now, I can almost see her. The girl struggling to deal with her own body. She sits with her head on her desk so no one will see that she is trying not to cry. Occasionally looking up both to try and distract herself from the pain and to try and at least figure out what the topic of the lesson is. Everyone can see that the look on her face shows the sheer agony she is in, and the exhaustion she is feeling because she hasn't slept through a full night in two years unless she was sedated. It's obvious when she gets up to limp to her next class before the bell rings so she can beat the crowd. Passing the hall monitors who pity her. Trying not to cry because of the pain she is in.
She's tuning out the world.
Focusing only on getting through the day without screaming and/or crying.
Focus.? What's that?
I went to school for attendance purposes & that's all I got out of it. I received a check next to my name marking me present.
I like to think I'm pretty smart. My grades don't show it,  but I am a fast learner and a hard worker. But going to school before I went into the RND program; The former me would, Limp to class; hold in screams and tears; take a seat. Look at the board briefly before putting her head down protecting her right arm from anything touching it by cradling it with her left; listen to as much as she can tolerate; leave before the bell. Repeat about 8 times; then go home to her room to try and rest.

That's not exactly the formula for A's.

Now that I'm back and better able to deal with the pain I have it is easier to focus but because I haven't been in school for the majority of the marking period, Time is running out and there is NOTHING I can do.

The stress of being a high school student is getting to me. For the first time in 4 years (I had ankle problems before everything with my wrist.) I am in school with no physical accommodations and I am actively participating in class, doing homework, DOING GYM CLASS, everything everyone else does. I am just starting to experience what my peers have already been doing for a while now. I have been thrown into this pool barely knowing how to float. Everyone is waiting to see whether I will sink or swim.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Last year was worse though.
I was not diagnosed with RND yet so no one knew why I was in pain including me. I was in and out of surgery all the time and I was on Vicodin almost constantly just to keep everything at bay. It obviously didn't help the nerve pain but it helped the surgical pain a bit. But due to the fact that I was under the influence of this medication, I honestly don't remember hardly anything from last year. I'm not sure I even remember what courses I was taking.
I'm not sure how I passed either.. I know it wasn't by my doing though.

Tomorrow is a new day though!

Hopefully it will be a better one.  I am supposed to be meeting with the head coach of the SJRA (south jersey rowing club) and I am really excited about it because now that I am out of CHOP I want to do something I have never done before and I have wanting to try rowing for a while and so now that I am physically able I'm going to! I hope that tomorrow is a great day.

Song of the day: Candle Light - Imogen Heap


Meliora :)

RND. Memories.

Someday...








My RND, will be nothing but a memory.
















Song of the day: Many The Miles- Sara Barielles

Meliora :)

RND. A Change of Heart

"Pain is weakness leaving the body." - U.S. Marine Corps.

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
 -Chuck Palahniuk

I had what well may be a life changing experience this week.
A sobering experience.
I was yelled at by my best friend.

Now, I know it may seem odd, but this was a great thing, which came at just the right time.
Most teenage girls probably would have gotten mad or upset with their friend, have an argument with them, and then they would not speak to each other.
Instead, I am happy.
Thankful even, that she was able to be blunt enough to get her point across, in such a way that it could get through my thick skull.
She had to reprimand me in order for me to finally open my eyes to the fact that I was wrong.
She and I are now closer than ever before.
After six weeks of people trying to tell me some of the same exact things she said to me and I was too stubborn to listen...
(One in particular did a great job telling me exactly what I needed to hear. He said all of the right words at perhaps exactly the wrong time.
I listened to everything Dr. Bernal said to me and still remember everything, but I wasn't ready or willing to apply hardly anything he said..)
I think I'm finished fighting those who are trying to help me for the most part now though.
I'm pretty sure the act of me stepping out of my own way is long overdue.
I'm not going to say the exact details of the conversation that I had with my friend, or who she is because quite frankly it's no one's business.
But I will say to everyone at CHOP who may read this and has tried to help me by telling me to do my home exercise program, and various other forms of advice and council. Both patient's and staff.
I'm sorry I was so stubborn. I see now that you were only trying to help me. I love you all.
I am now going to try my best to listen to, and apply the things you have told me with the help of my best friend whom I'm not sure how I'm not related to... (I know, I know, "It's about time Meg!!")
Everyone has to be ready for it right? It just took me about nine weeks for me to finally accept the fact that it's time to change.
Is it too late?
I hope not.
It would be nice to have my life completely back.
I miss myself.
To everyone who has worked with me (and put up with me) in the CHOP RND program, I love you soooo much. Thank you for all that you have done for me.
And thank you T.K.H for yelling at me when that was exactly what I needed, and for always being there for me. You have helped me more than you will ever know. I love you so much sis!

Song of the day: For Good- Wicked

Meliora :)