RND. Nothing to say.

"Either you run the day or the day runs you." - Jim Rohn

I don't feel Like myself today. I just feel kind of... Out of it...
I am in a lot of pain as usual, but it's more than that.
I feel like this might be due to the medicine I have started taking to help manage my A.D.D and A.D.H.D. It just feels like my normally outgoing personality has just left the building for the day. I didn't even speak to my friends at school today. I had nothing to say.
I was doing ok until I woke up this morning. This week has been great for me. Sunday was really good. Monday was great, I got to spend time with my best friend and I treated myself to a pair of extremely overpriced shoes because I was able to put my right heel on the ground for the first time in a while Monday which is something I have been working really hard on. Tuesday I got my phone fixed after 3 weeks of not being able to use it. And then Wednesday came along and ruined my vibe!
What the heck Wednesday?!
The fact that I am stressing about school probably isn't helping matters either. My grades are terrible and the marking period ends next week so there is NOTHING I can do about it. Due to my extended absence this marking period and last marking period my teachers have less grades for me. This means that every assignment I do (or don't do if I forget) majorly effects my grade. My grades Were bad before I went into the RND program at CHOP too though.
This is mostly due to the fact that I was absent even when I was there.
Thinking about it now, I can almost see her. The girl struggling to deal with her own body. She sits with her head on her desk so no one will see that she is trying not to cry. Occasionally looking up both to try and distract herself from the pain and to try and at least figure out what the topic of the lesson is. Everyone can see that the look on her face shows the sheer agony she is in, and the exhaustion she is feeling because she hasn't slept through a full night in two years unless she was sedated. It's obvious when she gets up to limp to her next class before the bell rings so she can beat the crowd. Passing the hall monitors who pity her. Trying not to cry because of the pain she is in.
She's tuning out the world.
Focusing only on getting through the day without screaming and/or crying.
Focus.? What's that?
I went to school for attendance purposes & that's all I got out of it. I received a check next to my name marking me present.
I like to think I'm pretty smart. My grades don't show it,  but I am a fast learner and a hard worker. But going to school before I went into the RND program; The former me would, Limp to class; hold in screams and tears; take a seat. Look at the board briefly before putting her head down protecting her right arm from anything touching it by cradling it with her left; listen to as much as she can tolerate; leave before the bell. Repeat about 8 times; then go home to her room to try and rest.

That's not exactly the formula for A's.

Now that I'm back and better able to deal with the pain I have it is easier to focus but because I haven't been in school for the majority of the marking period, Time is running out and there is NOTHING I can do.

The stress of being a high school student is getting to me. For the first time in 4 years (I had ankle problems before everything with my wrist.) I am in school with no physical accommodations and I am actively participating in class, doing homework, DOING GYM CLASS, everything everyone else does. I am just starting to experience what my peers have already been doing for a while now. I have been thrown into this pool barely knowing how to float. Everyone is waiting to see whether I will sink or swim.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Last year was worse though.
I was not diagnosed with RND yet so no one knew why I was in pain including me. I was in and out of surgery all the time and I was on Vicodin almost constantly just to keep everything at bay. It obviously didn't help the nerve pain but it helped the surgical pain a bit. But due to the fact that I was under the influence of this medication, I honestly don't remember hardly anything from last year. I'm not sure I even remember what courses I was taking.
I'm not sure how I passed either.. I know it wasn't by my doing though.

Tomorrow is a new day though!

Hopefully it will be a better one.  I am supposed to be meeting with the head coach of the SJRA (south jersey rowing club) and I am really excited about it because now that I am out of CHOP I want to do something I have never done before and I have wanting to try rowing for a while and so now that I am physically able I'm going to! I hope that tomorrow is a great day.

Song of the day: Candle Light - Imogen Heap


Meliora :)