RND. Feather on the Clyde

"In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can."  -Michael Korda


Doctor Bernal is leaving.

Yes, you read that correctly. He's leaving soon.

Go ahead and shed a few tears over it. I sure did when I found out.

For those of you who have been with me since the beginning of this blog, you know quite a few things about me. One thing that I have made obvious is that Dr. Bernal is my favorite doctor & the only one that I trust. Not because he's nice to me, or because he's cured me of a debilitating disease; but because he is real with me. No matter what I come to him with, I can always count on him not being afraid to tell me what I need to hear.
In most cases what I need to hear, and what I want to hear do not line up; but I thank my lucky stars he tells me anyway because god knows where I'd be if he didn't.

A couple weeks ago I saw him in clinic for the first time since I was discharged back in August. I suffered a head injury a few weeks ago. (don't worry, it was nothing crazy, just a bump on the head) Apparently that injury was enough to cause a huge storm of RND to come and raise hell with the nerves in my neck and back. To be honest, I got scared. I am still scared. Perhaps a little less now, than I was before my appointment with Superman; but still not totally okay with the fact that I am in so much pain. It kinda feels like I bounced back to where I was before I ever met Dr. Bernal. Back when I went through surgery after surgery whilst suffering from this awful disease undiagnosed for two years. During my appointment he asked me a bunch of questions about how I was doing, what I've been up to, and how I was feeling physically. One of the big questions that he asked was "What do you do for fun?" It wasn't until he asked me this that I realized that I didn't have an answer. Not one that he wanted to hear anyway... The past few months have been a crazy time for me. I am the definition of an over scheduled person. I was only home for about four hours last week. (Besides to sleep most nights) Most days I come home, get changed, grab something out of the fridge, and leave to go to the next thing that I have scheduled! My coworkers and professors see me more than my family does! I have gotten myself sewn into this rhythm so deep that I didn't even realize that I don't take any time for myself. I enjoy almost everything that I do; that's why I didn't realize that I am too busy to do anything under the category of "fun". I am constantly in go mode! In my mind, I can't slow down or I'll have too much free time on my hands which means I'm not getting anything done, I'm missing out on meeting new people, and missing out on new opportunities and experiences. Apparently.. over scheduling myself to the point of complete exhaustion is frowned upon by my CHOP doctors. (Bernal wasn't the only one who counseled me to take it easy.)

Anyway... I have decided to take their advice at least until I am feeling recovered from my head injury.

During my appointment with Dr. bernal, he told me a few different things.

1. I need to take time for myself.

2. I am stronger than I think I am.

3. I have to believe in myself.

This pain is bad. So bad that I was thoroughly convinced that there was no possible way that I would be able to take care of treating it by myself. Doing my home exercise program. I went to the appointment thinking that he would take pity on me because of how bad it was this time around.

I was mistaken.

Without going into the boring, clinical part of the visit, I'll just tell you a little bit of what he told me that day.
After the exam which in my opinion, could have been done without palpating my neck and spine so much... (That's where I have my RND now) He asked me flat out, "What are you doing?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond so I just said that I didn't know. He said, " You're running on an engine that has no fuel in it. You're just going to burn out." He went on to tell me that I am trying to do too much. & that the fact that I don't really have anything that I do for fun is no good.
It wasn't until he asked me what I wanted that I realized that even though I hated every second of the RND Program because of the amount of pain that I was in; that was exactly where I wanted to be because of the expertise and support that I would have at all times if I went back into the program. He told me that he didn't think that I needed the RND program again.

If any other doctor told me that I did not require any kind of treatment for a condition because I was healthy enough for it to just run its course, I would have been relieved, and overjoyed. But I just started to cry when he told me this. I felt like he wasn't understanding how bad the pain was.

I told him, "I don't think you fully grasp how awful this pain is right now, like, the RND that came after the hamstring injury that I had this past winter was so bad I could barely walk, but It wasn't bad enough for me to even come in for a clinic visit. I just worked really hard physically and got my head straight so that I could work through the pain and eventually I achieved remission. But this time I bumped my head like two weeks ago, and already it's bad enough for me to consider quitting my job because it's extremely physically taxing, and I just can't handle being in this much pain. I called CHOP to make the appointment with you less than a week after the injury because immediately after it the pain was bad, and continued to get worse each day. I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you if I thought that I could handle this by myself."
He replied by saying, " I know it's bad Meg, I grasp it. As much as I possibly can, because obviously I can't feel your pain. But I do understand that it's bad. But I also know that you're stronger than you think you are. You can't see it right now, because you have it right in front of you, but you can get past this. you have to believe in yourself."
I found these words of advice to be a bit ironic because they're are more or less, the same exact words that I say to my friends that come to me for advice because of their RND, or whatever else. I'm sure that those closest to me are probably incapable of counting just how many times I have told them to believe in themselves. I say it to everyone.

So why does it sound so foreign when it is being said to me?

At the end of the appointment, he gave me the doctor's orders.

1. Continue to see the pain psych at CHOP. (Jen)

2. Stop burning myself out.

3. Do my HEP every other day, and desensitize every day.
(This was a compromise. I looked at him like he was crazy when he told me that he wanted me to do a HEP and desense every day so he said if I promise to desense every day, then I can do my Home Exercise Program every other day.)

3. Have fun.

4. Come back to see him in a month so that he can follow up with me before he leaves.
(I plan to write about this later.. Soo I'm not going to torture myself by writing about it now.)

I was annoyed with him. I felt like maybe I wasn't saying the right words and that was why he wasn't understanding that I really needed his help. I was annoyed at myself for being unable to keep myself from crying. I felt completely hopeless when he told me that he thinks that I can handle it by myself I just need to keep seeing Jen. & to work through the pain physically.

After taking some time to think about everything that was said, I sent him an email last week to ask him a question. Before I got to my question, I started the email with this:

"Yo Bernal!

I wanted to thank you for your advice on Tuesday. Although I don't really agree with about half of what you said,.. I do agree that I need to stop trying to do so much. I am burning myself out and I honestly didn't even realize it until you brought it to my attention. Soo yeah... Thanks. 

I'm hoping that I'll be feeling better by my next appointment with you. I really don't know that it's going to happen, But I am going to try my hardest to make that happen. No matter how hard it is. I've got to try. 

You seem to have a lot of faith in my abilities, So I suppose that I should too!"

As of right now, I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling pretty helpless right now in regards to this pain. I have been trying my hardest to work through it though! I know that it might be an insane thing to attempt, but I still really want to try and achieve remission again before my appointment with Dr. B. or at least to be feeling better by then. Anything's possible! I've seen people come back from worse things than RND, and faster than a month. 

I need to start believing in myself. 

Song of the day:
Feather on the Clyde - Passenger



Meliora :)